Friday, 21 November 2014

How to wreck a date 101

Seriously, when will I learn? It's simple: you have PMS, you stay at home. Don't go inflicting that on your poor, unsuspecting boyfriend. I did and it turned out badly. So if you want to wreck a date, follow these easy steps. You're welcome.

  1. Dress nicely but know that you'll feel fat, bloated, spotty and ugly in anything you wear so be prepared for that. He'll tell you you're beautiful, tell him he's wrong.
  2. When he asks how your week has been tell him about the things you've cried over. This can include but is not limited to: homeless animals, wars, starving children, being too poor to shop, feeling unloved and feeling fat. 
  3. Scour the menu for the least appealing item which is also the cheapest. You're poor and you're punishing yourself for being such a failure at life. Don't you dare eat anything nice. If you've been dating a while he'll know you don't want what you order and question you. "I'll eat what I like thank you very much!" is an appropriate answer.
  4. Spend long periods of time staring off into the middle distance with a hopeless look in your eyes. In your head you've got Imogen Heap playing, he can't know that, but he should.
  5. Don't finish your food, he'd think you were a chubby who loves her food too much. No matter how much you want to finish, don't. 
  6. When he offers you ice-cream say no with a dramatic flick of your hand. (Even if you love ice cream)
  7. When walking, you'll always be 3 steps behind because you wore those stupid heels you thought would make your legs look thinner. He'll be mad at you by now, so he won't slow down. Hands in pockets girl, your hands are sad hands and shouldn't be held.
  8. In the car do lots of window gazing. You're cold but don't ask for the heat to be turned up.No conversation for you.
  9. When saying goodbye he'll attempt to rectify the evening, You're close to tears. Just say you're fine and go inside. You want to go back out and explain why you've been such a bitch but you don't know how so you just hope the morning will be better.
  10. Take all your nice make-up and clothes off and put your pyjamas on. Wrap your quilt around you and lol about on the couch. Have the crashing realisation you've wrecked a date and he probably hates you by now. Switch on Netflix and give up. 
Congratulations, you've ruined a date and annoyed your boyfriend. In the morning you'll realise you're not ugly/fat/unloved and have to admit to PMS and hope he understands. He won't. No man does. Let this fact go and move on, just stay in until you're through the worst of it next time. 

(Disclaimer: Obviously this is a comic post - please don't actually do this to any man).

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